So, pretty much everyone has gone out tonight. Yet, I am quite in my room. Yearning for something to look forward to. Wanting so bad to feel content. I can't say I do. Don't get me wrong, I am consumed by mixed feelings, I love it here, and it is an awesome place to be. I know somewhere deep down, there is a purpose. but for now, my vision is foggy on what that might be. Obviously, that isn't always something we know. I am having a rough time with that. though. I am begging God to give me peace here, I find myself questioning it throughout the day, but mainly at night. Which, I am sure is normal. The Bible uses "darkness" to represent what it does for a reason. It is here that I question if all this history, culture, beauty and experience, a word I am not too thrilled with at the time, is worth everything I left behind. I have always been completely enamored with my family. From my wonderful parents, to my incredible sisters, to the precious little ones that hold my heart so dearly. What is my life without them? Lesson #1 of Oxford: I have realized, once again, how blessed I am with who I surround by. Not only my family, but my friends. The club I pledged and the encouragement from them, to my awesome roommates, and friends from back home. I know, without a doubt, I have taken everything for granted and in only a few days this is very evident. Along with the feelings of homesickness I guess. I feel stressed about classes, I am overwhelmed with the amount of things I see in my future. How will I juggle everything? How will I manage?
I don't want this to be a depressing blog, by any means. I am just trying to be honest. It is something I want more of in my life, honesty. I hate sugar coating things, and trying to make everything seem okay when it isn't. It is true, I am experiencing (once again) a once in a lifetime experience, these four months have been given to me for a reason, and that is why I feel guilty for the way I am feeling tonight. I feel as if by feelings these feelings, and doubting God's plan, that I am taking this opportunity and throwing it right out the window! The thought kills me. I don't want this time spent away from the people I love to be a waste.
Basically, to whoever will read this. I am asking for prayers. I am trying to connect to God and allow him to be my support, but I am having issues. I need to surrender all. It is then that I may ... or may not ... get my answers, but regardless, the outcome will be much better, than on my own. Thank you for listening (reading) to me vent!
3 comments:
Okay...I am on my way to England. :) I love you so much sweet sister! Once things get going and your routine is established I know things will get easier! I am praying for you, and I miss you, and I love you!!!
Oh, sweet Cailee. I have spent the last few minutes getting all caught up on you. You know, since I"m the uncool sister NOT on Facebook, I had missed alot!! I love seeing all of your pictures. Like Cassie said, it makes us feel closer to you to see where you are. But, OH my goodness, I can imagine how far away you feel, and how long the months may seem right now. I don't exactly have comforting words, but I will say this: God will strengthen you and give you what you need. I, too, feel like night time brings so much more emotion. I surround myself with scripture that talks of the JOY of the Lord, and the light that He brings to life. I will be praying those verses for you every night! I know this is all such a mixed feeling for you. To appreciate the place you are and the blessings you will receive from doing this, but to also long for what is at home. I know it's hard. You can do this! And, we are praying hard.
Oh...And, I'm coming with Cortni. :)
Love you so so so so much and I'm so proud of who you are, sad or happy! So, keep on telling it all!
Then I'm coming, too! :)
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