It is an obsession

My newest read. I had seen it advertised, but I was hesitant to read it. I knew what feelings it would stir up in my soul and I was afraid to go there. I knew the jealousy, the comparison, the discontentment that would well up in me from knowing her story. However, another plan took hold as a friend of mine, who knew of my trip this summer, promptly brought this book to my house as a must read for me. I opened it, and I haven't thought about anything else since.

This young woman, at the age of 18 gives up everything and moves to Uganda. She only expected a year stay, but it turned into a lifelong ministry, a house, a car, and 14 children. Yes, she has adopted FOURTEEN girls whom she loves so deeply it blows my mind.

Waves of jealousy, calling and excitement pulse through my heart as I read her story and know it is possible. It is possible to live a sold-out, radical, weird, abandoned life for Jesus. I know not everyone is called to Africa. I know not everyone has a desire to love orphans for the rest of their lives. It is strange, it is counter culture, it is hard and challenging, demanding and awe-inspiring. As I have read every night before bed, I have wondered...could this be me? I put my book down, cover up in my down-comforter, on my perfectly plush pillow and wonder. Could God use me like this? Could I do it? Is He calling me? Is this His will for me?

Rwanda this summer changed me. There is no doubt about it. My life was turned upside down. I came back reluctantly, and have constantly missed the kids, missed the place, but something has changed recently. It has grown deeper. Not just missing the kids I bonded with, but missing my calling. They only way I can describe the joy I felt holding those beautiful kids, is that it was just right. Something was so right about holding a little girl for hours simply rubbing her back and allowing her to fall asleep in my arms. It was so right to be hidden by the amount of kids surrounding you. It was right to have my hair braided, my hands held, my lap always full. It didn't matter that they were covered in ring-worm or scabies. I loved how their faces lit up when I walked in a room, and how when they whispered my name my heart leaped in my chest. Nothing as felt that right since August 5th. I love my family, I love my friends, but nothing is the same. That joy, that completeness has never been so prominent in my whole life.

I have tried to reason with it. Using excuses that it was my first time, of course I loved it. It was only two weeks, of course I could stand it. However, more and more I have stopped dead in my tracks with the daunting reality that this could be a real calling on my life. I have always put it off because of my age, my education, my family, so many things that tend to stop me....why, though? Isn't my God bigger than an education? Isn't His power greater than my chronological age?

Katie, in her book describes the experience she had of returning to the states to honor her mother and father and complete a semester of college in America. She talks about how hard it was to be away from her children and how Tennessee didn't feel like home anymore, instead she desperately longed for Uganda. She mentioned one phrase that hit me like a ton of bricks. She described how dark of a place the world is outside of the will of God. That dark place instantly described what I have felt these last few months. I know I could attest it to senioritis, or whatever, but I think it lies deeper than that. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked across campus, been sitting watching TV, or doing monotonous homework and had the thought "I don't belong here" come through my head. This all started when I held the precious weight of my nephew Chase. I knew then, through that world changing experience, that America was not my home and there was much more to this world.

I don't know why...I don't know how. I have NO answers...nothing about this is practical, sensible, or (culturally) responsible...but it makes more sense to me than anything I have found here. So at the very moment it makes no sense at all, it makes complete sense and that is the only way I know how to describe it. SO for now, I am looking, researching, praying for an opportunity. A week, 3 months, a year, or two. I do not know. I just know I have a longing I cannot ignore anymore.

Thank you Katie Davis for sharing your story, and how God does the impossible in your life day after day. READ THIS BOOK!