“Break my heart Lord for what breaks yours”

Today my heart broke. We started off day with the babies. I am working in the waiting room with all the toys to help the kids adjust to their medical assessments and feel comfortable with us white people. However, when the babies came in, the mamas sat them all down in a row and they just sat still. Staring. Crying out of fear. We began to hand them toys, yet they had no concept of what to do with the toys. I understood why they would fear us, they probably haven’t seen many white people and of those they have seen, they probably do not remember. However what struck me the deepest was their fear of the toys, of the baby dolls. These children should know. Instead they sit in a TINY room, and just sit. My heart ached and I swallowed tears back to not offend the ladies who do their best in taking care of these sweet children, but my sorrow was deep.

The day continued to get better the older the children were. They understood more who we were and were excited to play with us and the toys. We had baby dolls and bottles, and they LOVED feeding the babies…it was a beautiful way for them to take care and nurture something. In fact, we had to teach them how to use the bottle. They were eager to learn and use them, so precious. We also had crayons and it was awesome to see them as the age increased going from holding or eating the crayon to scribbling, all the way to drawing pictures of suns and houses, it was a pleasure to watch. The stethoscopes and doctor kits were the most popular! We would put the stethoscope in their ears and speak into the diaphragm, “Bita” (spelling) which means “what’s up”. Their faces would light up with excitement at the sound of our voice, then we would play it on our heart and their eyes widen with wonder at what the noise was. They would immediately take it and try it out on other kids, or sing songs into the diaphragm.

Today still I had my two little buddies attached at my hips! When I would be in the clinic I would occasionally hear my name being whispered from the open window. It was Flamina, eagerly awaiting a smile and handshake from me. Nothing warms my heart more. When it was her time to come into the waiting room her smile lite up her face from ear to ear. As did mine.

The beginning of the day was overwhelming with anxiety from screaming babies, and sadness from the reality of the conditions in which they live, but as the day before by the end I was filled with love and contentment seeing each child and giving them a hug or just holding their hand. I have to say one of my favorite things about being here is that my hands are never empty. I love that as soon as I walk outside and begin heading towards my destination a little hand finds its way to mine and my heart swells with love. I still do not know their name, or anything about them, but I love them and I know our Lord knows every part of them.

Two other great parts of today were meeting one man (age 24) who is about the sweetest thing ever. He came to the orphanage at the age of 7, after his entire family was killed in the genocide. He now studies IT and teaches computers at the orphanage until he can earn enough money to live on his own. He said he really wanted to move, but couldn’t yet since he has no family to help him. One thing he said that spoke to me, was that the children at Noel had now become his family. He said the little ones were like his younger brothers and sisters. He is such a help with them too and helps us translate since his English is very good. I think we are going to be good friends! I cannot wait to see him tomorrow and hopefully get to learn more about him.

Another little girl wanted me to play a card game with her. She handed me cards and set some out to begin a game. I had no idea what was going on but I followed her lead and picked up the point of the game, but it was so cute how she would react to a good or bad move and she would say something like “chena” which I took to mean “play” or “your turn”. I found myself just starring at her with such a grin on my face, because she was beautiful and we had so much fun together. She would speak some English and I would try to speak some of her language. God was in that moment and I pray I never forget that moment in time.

I know these posts are so long, and I have so much more I could say. All in all, I continue to pray for God to show himself in new, real ways and that these children feel His love like never before. I pray over the conditions and our effectiveness here. It is a bit frustrating to us when we have an idea of how things should be and the people in charge feel differently, but I have confidence that God is in control and that these children are blessed by Him.